The dark alleyways of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Exhibit A : The defendants in question

Rarely does such a well matched set of items meet under the watchful eyes of our writers, but on occasion fate smiles upon us, and today's review provided just that sort of opportunity; the Wolski's branded "Milwaukee" cast brass bottle opener, and a six-pack of Milwaukee Brewing Company's Polish Moon milk stout. The only thing left to add was some entertainment.

The Milwaukee opener is a grossly oversized and ominously heavy utensil, and looks every inch the brawler that its name implies. What is the reasoning behind this design, you might ask? Perhaps it has to do with the over six thousand violent crimes committed in Milwaukee every year. The Polish Moon milk-stout is definitely potent enough to fuel such violent behavior, and the Milwaukee opener there to spark the flame. (1)

(1) For the record, this blog, nor its reviewers endorse any form of violent action, nor do we believe delicious craft beer to be the cause of said violence.

With the 5 pounds (2) of brass in hand, and a fully capped six pack of beer at the ready, we cased our location, and began preparing for an uncharacteristically lighthearted round of Kubb.(3) The Milwaukee opener made quick work of the puny steel caps separating us from the midnight black and honey thick stash of milk-stout. It's going to be hard to put this opener away because putting this beer away in our bellies was so easy. The sounds of the Kubb lumber colliding might just have well been the clamor of chairs striking skulls in a bar fight, but there was no substitute for the creamy, bitter and ever so slightly sweet flavor of that brew.

(2) In lieu of actually having a scale, we used our editorial judgement to estimate the weight of this opener.

(3) Needless to say, we felt immeasurably safer with the Milwaukee in hand, and any passing thugs or ruffians who had thought to shake us down must have beat a hasty retreat after catching its menacing glint.

As for the question we're sure is on everyone's mind - the Milwaukee does indeed open bottles. As it is easily large enough to act as a replacement axle for your getaway car or a crowbar in a pinch, you can imagine that there is no lack of leverage when opening a beer. Aesthetically speaking, it is a sight to behold, recalling the glorious days of American industry - memories almost forgotten under layers of barroom sawdust. We were as tempted to mount it on the wall as we were to use it to open beer.

The Milwaukee opener stays true to its roots, and much like the blue-collar workers that crafted it, it does its nine-to-five as a bottle opener, but without making a big fuss of it. It might not open a bottle in a hurry, but it'll get the job done one way or another. For that, we give it a middle-of-the-road 3 out of 6 bottle score.

However, when dusk falls and ne'er-do-wells abound, the Milwaukee truly shines, providing much needed intimidation, and the muscle to back up that threat. So, as a blunt-object or brass-knuckles stand-in, we give it a solid 6 out of 6 score.